This, my dear friends, is life.

The void grows, and consumes the very being of this heart. This heart that would once beat. Beat in a rhythmic flow. A flow that would know peace. Peace, courage, hope, resilience. Resilience that would carry on, carry through. Carry through the darkest of nights. Nights that would eventually turn into morning. Morning that would reflect on the terror of night. Nights that were seemingly endless. Endless. End. End of life. End of hope. End of...everything. Redemption, at this point, seemed impossible through anything other than synthetics that changed the chemical makeup of my neuro-being. However, the pilgrimage of the incarnation is one that steps into the very void of us. The very essence of the void is that of mess, yet the essence of the sacrifice surrounding the incarnation is that of love and honor. Only He can take this void, and fill it with hope. He is ending the void with His abundance.

PTSD. Those four letters. Those four letters that a doctor said to me in January of 2018. Those four letters that were supposed to answer so many questions, but only created so many more. Stay tuned to hear the journey of being diagnosed with a mental illness that is commonly thought of as hopeless, and the thoughts of, "it's only a matter of time" plague those that have experience with loved ones that have PTSD, as well as being in a profession in which I am to proclaim hope in light of suffering and resurrection in light of hell. These four letters will not overcome. They will not have the final word.

After a busy, intense day in the amazing city of Vienna, I hiked up to a quiet place in this nearby quaint little town in Austria, and there they were...the Swiss Alps. My chest grew tight and my heart hit the ground as the awe overcame my very being. In this moment, I embraced the truth of this beauty, and allowed myself to live into the reality that this beauty was deeper than I could fathom, and the same Creator that made the Alps, created me. It was overwhelming. Then, some other thoughts and emotions were setting in. It was a piece of whiplash, as I went from a state of awe to a state of sadness and longing. I began to realize, nobody around me knew me. I was around a bunch of strangers. These strangers didn't know my name, my story, my dreams, ambitions, accomplishments, anything. Deep within me, I wanted to be known by the humans around me. I wanted to be heard. I wanted for someone to be curious about my heart. I wanted to be wholly embraced. Then, in more recen

**Potential trigger warnings: Grief, loss, suffering, murder. I thought my next blog post would be one about all that I have learned during my time at MidAmerica Nazarene University, how grateful I was, how good the Lord is for always providing, etc., however, about a week after I completed college, a completely unforeseen and tragic event happened that completely rocked my world. Someone that I loved dearly and cared deeply about was murdered. She was an innocent bystander that suffered from someone else's sick mind. Rather than celebrating her 19th birthday, she would be buried that day. Mikayla was a beautiful person that I had the opportunity to build a relationship with whenever I was a barista and high school student in Fort Scott, KS. Our relationship began with me tutoring her, and then she began asking questions and seeking growth so our relationship turned to a mentoring type of relationship, and then just turned into a friendship whenever she would come into the co