Joy in pain.
**Potential trigger warnings: Grief, loss, suffering, murder.
I thought my next blog post would be one about all that I have learned during my time at MidAmerica Nazarene University, how grateful I was, how good the Lord is for always providing, etc., however, about a week after I completed college, a completely unforeseen and tragic event happened that completely rocked my world.
Someone that I loved dearly and cared deeply about was murdered. She was an innocent bystander that suffered from someone else's sick mind. Rather than celebrating her 19th birthday, she would be buried that day.
Mikayla was a beautiful person that I had the opportunity to build a relationship with whenever I was a barista and high school student in Fort Scott, KS. Our relationship began with me tutoring her, and then she began asking questions and seeking growth so our relationship turned to a mentoring type of relationship, and then just turned into a friendship whenever she would come into the coffee shop and get a smoothie while I would be closing up shop. She was genuinely one of those people that you could connect with immediately, and knew that she was a kind, gentle, authentic person. I am so grateful for the relationship we had.
Fast forward a few years, I'm completing college and Mikayla is living and working in the Overland Park area. We were able to keep occasional contact with one another and would check in periodically.
One night, Mikayla didn't come home from work. A couple of days later, a man is seen driving her car, bearing a gun. Soon after, he posts on social media about "the white girl was just a pawn" and gives the address of where her body is at. This man, this murderer, then takes his own life as well.
I'll spare the gory details of what is known at this time.
This blow and aftershock was one that could be felt for miles.
This grief made no sense. I wanted to hate her murderer, but the Lord continued to remind me that He was grieving as well, because He lost 2 of His creation that day that He loved dearly.
The Holy Spirit impressed upon my heart to reach out to this murderers family and let them know how loved they are (of which, I'm still trying to do, but for the time being, I'm continuing to pray for them.)
And then this image of Jesus...oppressed, grief-stricken, in the deepest pain as he looked those that he loved so dearly in the eyes and said, "One of you will soon betray me.", yet he still invited them to feast.
He carried the grief.
He bore the pain.
There was this command and invitation to delight in suffering with the constant awareness of hope.
Friends, I'll be completely honest with you, ever since the death of Mikayla, I've had so many moments of feeling weary, burned out, and, at times, hopeless. I've had many moments of completely losing it and crying out to God.
Yet again, I'm reminded of this image of Jesus... "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
These are the moments I find freedom within grief, as these are the moments that I am invited into hope beyond explanation and joy beyond comprehension, all the while proclaiming that I don't know how I'm going to take another step right now, because it hurts so much, and the Lord reminding me that He is weeping with me.
There's hope in these moments, as these are the moments where my strength goes beyond human capacity and I'm invited into the fullness of the Divine dance of the Trinity where my grief is held well, and I am able to choose joy and love as the broken pieces of my heart are made into something new once more.
I don't get it either. Trust me.
(This is not to say that I haven't had many moments of wrestling with God and questioning His goodness and faithfulness.)
This is to say that the joy I know right now is beyond explanation.
The resurrection and reconciliation that I'm already experiencing at this time is so incredibly beautiful.
I know this post is rather scattered, but I do want to offer this: If you find yourself in a place of seemingly hopeless grief, let's talk, I promise I'll be real with you.
From these seeds of Calvary, a new Eden is growing.
I thought my next blog post would be one about all that I have learned during my time at MidAmerica Nazarene University, how grateful I was, how good the Lord is for always providing, etc., however, about a week after I completed college, a completely unforeseen and tragic event happened that completely rocked my world.
Someone that I loved dearly and cared deeply about was murdered. She was an innocent bystander that suffered from someone else's sick mind. Rather than celebrating her 19th birthday, she would be buried that day.
Mikayla was a beautiful person that I had the opportunity to build a relationship with whenever I was a barista and high school student in Fort Scott, KS. Our relationship began with me tutoring her, and then she began asking questions and seeking growth so our relationship turned to a mentoring type of relationship, and then just turned into a friendship whenever she would come into the coffee shop and get a smoothie while I would be closing up shop. She was genuinely one of those people that you could connect with immediately, and knew that she was a kind, gentle, authentic person. I am so grateful for the relationship we had.
Fast forward a few years, I'm completing college and Mikayla is living and working in the Overland Park area. We were able to keep occasional contact with one another and would check in periodically.
One night, Mikayla didn't come home from work. A couple of days later, a man is seen driving her car, bearing a gun. Soon after, he posts on social media about "the white girl was just a pawn" and gives the address of where her body is at. This man, this murderer, then takes his own life as well.
I'll spare the gory details of what is known at this time.
This blow and aftershock was one that could be felt for miles.
This grief made no sense. I wanted to hate her murderer, but the Lord continued to remind me that He was grieving as well, because He lost 2 of His creation that day that He loved dearly.
The Holy Spirit impressed upon my heart to reach out to this murderers family and let them know how loved they are (of which, I'm still trying to do, but for the time being, I'm continuing to pray for them.)
And then this image of Jesus...oppressed, grief-stricken, in the deepest pain as he looked those that he loved so dearly in the eyes and said, "One of you will soon betray me.", yet he still invited them to feast.
He carried the grief.
He bore the pain.
There was this command and invitation to delight in suffering with the constant awareness of hope.
Friends, I'll be completely honest with you, ever since the death of Mikayla, I've had so many moments of feeling weary, burned out, and, at times, hopeless. I've had many moments of completely losing it and crying out to God.
Yet again, I'm reminded of this image of Jesus... "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
These are the moments I find freedom within grief, as these are the moments that I am invited into hope beyond explanation and joy beyond comprehension, all the while proclaiming that I don't know how I'm going to take another step right now, because it hurts so much, and the Lord reminding me that He is weeping with me.
There's hope in these moments, as these are the moments where my strength goes beyond human capacity and I'm invited into the fullness of the Divine dance of the Trinity where my grief is held well, and I am able to choose joy and love as the broken pieces of my heart are made into something new once more.
I don't get it either. Trust me.
(This is not to say that I haven't had many moments of wrestling with God and questioning His goodness and faithfulness.)
This is to say that the joy I know right now is beyond explanation.
The resurrection and reconciliation that I'm already experiencing at this time is so incredibly beautiful.
I know this post is rather scattered, but I do want to offer this: If you find yourself in a place of seemingly hopeless grief, let's talk, I promise I'll be real with you.
From these seeds of Calvary, a new Eden is growing.
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