Operation: Apology
"Not a fire, flame, or even a spark to be had…"
It started out like any other day. I woke up groggy, for little sleep had happened the night before due to hanging out with friends and homework. Oh well, used to it. I get ready, and just like every other day, I hike up the hill, past the Lunn building, towards Weatherby chapel to go pray, just like every other morning. Typically, I pray for about 30 minutes every morning in our peaceful, wonderful campus chapel. As I was walking through the snow, one of my lectures from my Christian Beliefs class last week came into my mind. My professor, Dr. Larry Fine, had talked about how some of us owe the Holy Spirit an apology. This idea confused me, and I've been processing it over in my mind this past week, and it came back into my mind, so I thought surely that was no coincidence. So, just like every morning, I arrive in Weatherby and turn a song on repeat (this morning was Set a Fire), and sit down to pray. I realized that sitting down just didn't feel right this morning, so I stand. I start praying for people and places and such, and I simply feel the command; "Move." So, I do. I start walking around the chapel. I start praying for the topics I've been avoiding here recently regarding a job, church, school, my major, and finally I arrive to the topic of where is my heart? I've had some EXTREME growth since moving, but I had to ask myself, where is my heart right now? I then realized I had absolutely no passion to serve anymore, I realized that whenever people asked me what I wanted to do with my life, when I responded with "Be a youth pastor in an inner city to at-risk teens", my heart no longer leaped with joy and excitement. My heart was simply dead. My passion was dead. There was not a fire, flame, or even a spark to be had in my heart. What happened?? Well, just like a fire, if it is not constantly maintained, it will die down. By this point in my prayer/processing, I was pacing so quickly back and forth across the chapel, I'm pretty sure that I nearly wore a bare spot into the carpet. My mind flashed back to the lecture when Dr. Fine said "some of us owe the Holy Spirit an apology." Then, my mind flashed back to last week as well at a conference where the speaker said "My greatest sin is that there is not a raging fire in my soul." It all came together in that moment. I cried out "I am so sorry! I want to be consumed by the Holy Fire!!" In Hebrews 12:29, it says "For our God is a consuming fire."
If you all don't mind, I want to share some knowledge I have. In Old Testament Literature last semester, we learned that a burnt offering was a symbol of complete and total commitment. See the connection here? I want to be consumed completely and totally by the Holy Fire, and maintain that fire day in and day out. Although I have my daily devotion time, I had become numb. At which point, the song I had on repeat began to set in. The lyrics go "Set a fire down in my soul that I can't contain, can't control. I want more of You God."
So, I decided that Operation: Apology was to commence. You see, an apology by words is neat and all, but an apology by actions means so much more. In my opinion, that apology is genuine. So, my life of servanthood and wandering in this life God has for me will be an apology. I want to show God that I am serious about Him and His mission, and my soul will be a raging fire for Him and filled with Him.
"Turn my soul into a raging fire."
This picture is from the podium of Weatherby.
It started out like any other day. I woke up groggy, for little sleep had happened the night before due to hanging out with friends and homework. Oh well, used to it. I get ready, and just like every other day, I hike up the hill, past the Lunn building, towards Weatherby chapel to go pray, just like every other morning. Typically, I pray for about 30 minutes every morning in our peaceful, wonderful campus chapel. As I was walking through the snow, one of my lectures from my Christian Beliefs class last week came into my mind. My professor, Dr. Larry Fine, had talked about how some of us owe the Holy Spirit an apology. This idea confused me, and I've been processing it over in my mind this past week, and it came back into my mind, so I thought surely that was no coincidence. So, just like every morning, I arrive in Weatherby and turn a song on repeat (this morning was Set a Fire), and sit down to pray. I realized that sitting down just didn't feel right this morning, so I stand. I start praying for people and places and such, and I simply feel the command; "Move." So, I do. I start walking around the chapel. I start praying for the topics I've been avoiding here recently regarding a job, church, school, my major, and finally I arrive to the topic of where is my heart? I've had some EXTREME growth since moving, but I had to ask myself, where is my heart right now? I then realized I had absolutely no passion to serve anymore, I realized that whenever people asked me what I wanted to do with my life, when I responded with "Be a youth pastor in an inner city to at-risk teens", my heart no longer leaped with joy and excitement. My heart was simply dead. My passion was dead. There was not a fire, flame, or even a spark to be had in my heart. What happened?? Well, just like a fire, if it is not constantly maintained, it will die down. By this point in my prayer/processing, I was pacing so quickly back and forth across the chapel, I'm pretty sure that I nearly wore a bare spot into the carpet. My mind flashed back to the lecture when Dr. Fine said "some of us owe the Holy Spirit an apology." Then, my mind flashed back to last week as well at a conference where the speaker said "My greatest sin is that there is not a raging fire in my soul." It all came together in that moment. I cried out "I am so sorry! I want to be consumed by the Holy Fire!!" In Hebrews 12:29, it says "For our God is a consuming fire."
If you all don't mind, I want to share some knowledge I have. In Old Testament Literature last semester, we learned that a burnt offering was a symbol of complete and total commitment. See the connection here? I want to be consumed completely and totally by the Holy Fire, and maintain that fire day in and day out. Although I have my daily devotion time, I had become numb. At which point, the song I had on repeat began to set in. The lyrics go "Set a fire down in my soul that I can't contain, can't control. I want more of You God."
So, I decided that Operation: Apology was to commence. You see, an apology by words is neat and all, but an apology by actions means so much more. In my opinion, that apology is genuine. So, my life of servanthood and wandering in this life God has for me will be an apology. I want to show God that I am serious about Him and His mission, and my soul will be a raging fire for Him and filled with Him.
"Turn my soul into a raging fire."
This picture is from the podium of Weatherby.
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