broken expectations and coffee.
I found myself in yet another place where I wondered, "What am I doing here?"
That place just so happened to be at a coffee shop where I didn't know anyone.
This coffee shop was a considerable distance away from where I live, the ratings on it were considerably low, and I had never heard of it until I hopped on yelp.
"Perfect", I thought to myself. "No one I know will be there."
I sought out a place with terrible coffee, just to be away from people. My inner coffee snob was livid.
I sat in the corner, journaling with a force that could rip even the strongest paper.
Once more, my expectations had been broken.
I had started in a job that I loved, that was dangerous, that constantly gave me an adrenaline rush, and where I thought I was making a difference.
Through an odd series of events, I left there.
In the past year, I had been considerably sick, lived in strangers homes, nearly dropped out of college a couple different times, had multiple jobs, ruined some friendships, and the list goes on.
One thing right after the other, after the other.
I was having a quarter life crisis, and it sucked.
The tears began streaming down my red hot face. I lowered my eyes so as to not alarm the barista.
A person that I had invested deeply in had taken their life, other people were walking away from the Lord, I was no longer at this job that I loved... "Lord, What. Is. Going. On."
Slowly, I began to find myself in a horizontal position in the corner of this coffee shop. That's right, I was laying in the booth. In the coffee shop. In the fido position. Just picture this, folks. That poor barista.
My expectations had been those of, "I will save the world." Perhaps not consciously, but definitely sub-consciously. This Messiah Complex was rampant. Through an event in which I approached the dear leaders in my life and said "I'm hurting. I'm broken. I can't lead right now." my eyes were opened in a way that said "Wow. Life happened before me, and it will go on after me." Coming to this place of humility was so painful, yet so peaceful.
I sat up in the booth just in time to make awkward eye contact with the bearded barista, he nodded at me, and I at him. We had a mutual understanding to just not talk to each other at this time.
I sipped on this coffee that was impressively over-roasted, and asked the Lord, "When will my expectations be fulfilled?"
My selfish heart was broken, more than it had been. The disguise began to come down, and the Lord said, "Ashton, who are you?"
Well heck.
I'm Ashton Paige Mason. I'm a minister. I'm a hammocker. I'm a runner. I'm, I'm, I'm....
Nope.
The Lord beckoned the mask to come off just a little more as He said, "You are mine."
Lol no.
Because, that didn't have any subtitles that seemed particularly extravagant.
That didn't "Wow" people when they asked about me.
Nope.
Slowly, my shoulders began to straighten as I wiped the tears. I was due for a refill of this horrid coffee, and as I walked up to the bar, the barista said "Hey, there's no one else here..can I come sit with you?"
Seriously? Do i strike you as a person that wants to talk right now?
"Sure."
DANG IT. My mouth opened before I could think.
Whenever I worked at a psychiatric facility, I remember having a conversation with a suicidal minor.
"Who do you want to be?" I asked them.
"It isn't about who, it's about what. I just want to be healthy. I think the 'who' will be determined later on, if I make it that long."
What.
"So, what brings you to our shop?"
I knew that the answer "Low yelp reviews" probably wasn't appropriate, so I just said I'm looking for a new study area.
We have small talk before another patron joins us in this deserted land of a coffee shop, so my bearded barista is on his way.
"You are mine." That phrase repeated in my head as I tried to mull it over and make sense of it. I was led to the verse where the Lord identifies Himself as "I AM"
That simple answer that had profound impacts.
The answer that provided identity to the nameless.
The answer that told the story of a Savior that would soon trade extravagance for a bale of hay.
I was challenged once more.
Why can't I accept the simplicity that I am His? That I belong to Ultimate Truth, Love, Hope, etc.? The implications of such have profound impacts on lifestyle choices, relationships, decisions for the future, and how I look at the past.
Why must I complicate things through resistance?
Folks, the reality is, is that it's hard to release control. It's hard to accept an identity which is no longer dependent upon our own talents. It's especially difficult when we finally have our lives all lined up, and a wrecking ball comes through to break it all down.
The truth is, though, is that whatever we hold in our own hands, we are bound to destroy. Whatever we release to the hands of the Lord is bound to beauty and Creation. The broken expectations that happen in the hands of the Lord are expectations that needed to be broken, because they were expectations that our human minds were able to fathom.
Accept "I AM" and "You are Mine", and see how small your expectations really were.
Ever since coming to this place of acceptance of absolutely no control, my heart is at a place of peace, I have utter joy in and about life, and I genuinely love to just sit and be with people. It is so much easier to tell others about the love of Christ, and it is no longer intimidating to pray with someone.
This was a really long post to say, release control. Find yourself in a place of utter brokenness, and just see how the Lord creates something beyond your wildest dreams.
That place just so happened to be at a coffee shop where I didn't know anyone.
This coffee shop was a considerable distance away from where I live, the ratings on it were considerably low, and I had never heard of it until I hopped on yelp.
"Perfect", I thought to myself. "No one I know will be there."
I sought out a place with terrible coffee, just to be away from people. My inner coffee snob was livid.
I sat in the corner, journaling with a force that could rip even the strongest paper.
Once more, my expectations had been broken.
I had started in a job that I loved, that was dangerous, that constantly gave me an adrenaline rush, and where I thought I was making a difference.
Through an odd series of events, I left there.
In the past year, I had been considerably sick, lived in strangers homes, nearly dropped out of college a couple different times, had multiple jobs, ruined some friendships, and the list goes on.
One thing right after the other, after the other.
I was having a quarter life crisis, and it sucked.
The tears began streaming down my red hot face. I lowered my eyes so as to not alarm the barista.
A person that I had invested deeply in had taken their life, other people were walking away from the Lord, I was no longer at this job that I loved... "Lord, What. Is. Going. On."
Slowly, I began to find myself in a horizontal position in the corner of this coffee shop. That's right, I was laying in the booth. In the coffee shop. In the fido position. Just picture this, folks. That poor barista.
My expectations had been those of, "I will save the world." Perhaps not consciously, but definitely sub-consciously. This Messiah Complex was rampant. Through an event in which I approached the dear leaders in my life and said "I'm hurting. I'm broken. I can't lead right now." my eyes were opened in a way that said "Wow. Life happened before me, and it will go on after me." Coming to this place of humility was so painful, yet so peaceful.
I sat up in the booth just in time to make awkward eye contact with the bearded barista, he nodded at me, and I at him. We had a mutual understanding to just not talk to each other at this time.
I sipped on this coffee that was impressively over-roasted, and asked the Lord, "When will my expectations be fulfilled?"
My selfish heart was broken, more than it had been. The disguise began to come down, and the Lord said, "Ashton, who are you?"
Well heck.
I'm Ashton Paige Mason. I'm a minister. I'm a hammocker. I'm a runner. I'm, I'm, I'm....
Nope.
The Lord beckoned the mask to come off just a little more as He said, "You are mine."
Lol no.
Because, that didn't have any subtitles that seemed particularly extravagant.
That didn't "Wow" people when they asked about me.
Nope.
Slowly, my shoulders began to straighten as I wiped the tears. I was due for a refill of this horrid coffee, and as I walked up to the bar, the barista said "Hey, there's no one else here..can I come sit with you?"
Seriously? Do i strike you as a person that wants to talk right now?
"Sure."
DANG IT. My mouth opened before I could think.
Whenever I worked at a psychiatric facility, I remember having a conversation with a suicidal minor.
"Who do you want to be?" I asked them.
"It isn't about who, it's about what. I just want to be healthy. I think the 'who' will be determined later on, if I make it that long."
What.
"So, what brings you to our shop?"
I knew that the answer "Low yelp reviews" probably wasn't appropriate, so I just said I'm looking for a new study area.
We have small talk before another patron joins us in this deserted land of a coffee shop, so my bearded barista is on his way.
"You are mine." That phrase repeated in my head as I tried to mull it over and make sense of it. I was led to the verse where the Lord identifies Himself as "I AM"
That simple answer that had profound impacts.
The answer that provided identity to the nameless.
The answer that told the story of a Savior that would soon trade extravagance for a bale of hay.
I was challenged once more.
Why can't I accept the simplicity that I am His? That I belong to Ultimate Truth, Love, Hope, etc.? The implications of such have profound impacts on lifestyle choices, relationships, decisions for the future, and how I look at the past.
Why must I complicate things through resistance?
Folks, the reality is, is that it's hard to release control. It's hard to accept an identity which is no longer dependent upon our own talents. It's especially difficult when we finally have our lives all lined up, and a wrecking ball comes through to break it all down.
The truth is, though, is that whatever we hold in our own hands, we are bound to destroy. Whatever we release to the hands of the Lord is bound to beauty and Creation. The broken expectations that happen in the hands of the Lord are expectations that needed to be broken, because they were expectations that our human minds were able to fathom.
Accept "I AM" and "You are Mine", and see how small your expectations really were.
Ever since coming to this place of acceptance of absolutely no control, my heart is at a place of peace, I have utter joy in and about life, and I genuinely love to just sit and be with people. It is so much easier to tell others about the love of Christ, and it is no longer intimidating to pray with someone.
This was a really long post to say, release control. Find yourself in a place of utter brokenness, and just see how the Lord creates something beyond your wildest dreams.
Comments
Post a Comment