Why I Almost Walked Away.
Go to church. Sing songs about how great God is. Clench your fists and grit your teeth to make it through the song, because it feels like a lie at that point in time. Smile. Make sure no one knows what you're feeling. Leave. Scream at God while in the car. Then repeat. Over. And over. And over again.
If you know me, but you don't REALLY know me, you're probably saying "Wow. This is rather sudden. Especially for a ministry major." Well, no. It's not.
Let me just go ahead and clarify; Yes, I do love God. With everything. I desire to know Him more and more daily. However, that proved to kinda be a problem at one point when my faith was not at it's best spot, yet I was doing everything I possibly could to know Him on a deeper level and to know His children on a deeper level. I'll clarify on this part later.
While I was never directly told "Don't be angry with God" (in fact, I am fairly certain I remember one of my pastors telling me to always be honest with God) at times, in church it slightly seemed as though you could be completely honest with God, as long as your honesty was happiness and roses and unicorns. How often I would hear the testimony of some miraculous, happy story (which is awesome. Don't get me wrong. I love hearing them.) but I rarely heard someone get up and say that they were struggling, and they were doubting, and they weren't exactly sure about this whole "God thing" at this point in their life, therefore sending the subtle message that it is not to be spoken of within church. Sure, you could pull the argument of "Well they never asked to get up and talk about it." While that may be true, why didn't they get up? Did they fear what others would think because of the negative stigma behind one being honest with their feelings, when their feelings are less than amazing toward God? I am fully aware and ready to receive some negative feedback behind this post, because I'm being honest about my doubts. I'm being honest that some days I wake up and ask God why. More particularly, a struggle/temptation that I had fought for so long, and that I thought was completely conquered recently came back in my life. It's a very hard struggle, and I'm not comfortable sharing it over this.
I. Was. LIVID. I was scared. I was in pain and confused and downright ticked off. Why God?? We conquered this already!! Why can't I pick and choose my struggles? If You would just take this one temptation God, just please. Take it.
At which point, I felt a complete and total separation from God and His love. I was literally living within my own hell. I read and analyzed and even wrote an eight page report over the passage of Romans 8:38-39 "38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."
And then I felt so hollow, so exempt from the love of God. Like I said earlier, I was seeking so strongly after God, and then….nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was as if this scripture didn't apply to me. At which point, I was ready to rub my hands together, drop the mic, and walk off the stage completely, for good. I was so mad at God, but I didn't know what to do. I was so mad that I didn't even want to talk to Him about it. I then, (due to a requirement for a class. I was convinced this would be the last Theology-based book I would ever pick up.) read the book "Disappointment with God: Three questions no one asks" by Philip Yancey. Talk about a Divine Intervention. Yancey addresses that we are human, and that we can't understand God completely, therefore the questions are totally necessary and completely justified. He poses three questions that Christians wonder, but seldom are comfortable enough to ask aloud: Is God unfair? Is He silent? Is He hidden? Why, if God is so hungry for relationship with us, does He seem so distant? Why, if God cares for us, do bad things happen? Where is God when bad things happen? What can we expect from God, after all?
Within 30 minutes of reading, I was sobbing. Every single piece of anger and hurt that I felt towards God, this book described. It's about 350 pages, and I refused to put it down. Then, the sermons began flooding back into my brain. "Be honest with God. Always." "God can take your anger." "You don't have to do this on your own." "Use those around you that you can trust, especially during the difficult times." Upon finishing the book, I texted one of mentors, telling her that this book might have very well salvaged my relationship with God. She responded saying "Be angry with God. Ask Him all your questions. Feel and acknowledge your disappointment. He can handle it, but you can't. Keeping all of that bottled up inside of you is like swallowing a bomb and expecting it not to blow up if you pretend it isn't there."
Man. I had gone from nearly walking away due to sheer anger and disappointment to a complete reformation within my walk with God. I was so afraid to approach my loving, comforting Creator that I felt so exempt from, however I am now brave to talk to Him about it, and discuss the fact that I am angry. I am telling Him that I don't understand and that I don't want this to be a part of my life, and can I tell you something? That's completely alright. In fact, it's healthy. So often, we are trained to only speak of happy things when it comes to God because of various songs of praise, however we turn to the very Word of God and turn to stories such as Job, which the overall essence of the story is about faith, however in the midst of all the trials, Job is completely honest about the fact that he is completely ticked off at God, and feels completely separated.
Let's not be afraid to talk about disbelief. Mark 9:24b says "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
God can take your anger. If you are at a point in your walk where you're unsure about God, have questions, or you just want to grow, I would strongly suggest reading this book. I did, and it completely changed everything.
Reformation happens within a period of complete and total discomfort and honesty.
If you know me, but you don't REALLY know me, you're probably saying "Wow. This is rather sudden. Especially for a ministry major." Well, no. It's not.
Let me just go ahead and clarify; Yes, I do love God. With everything. I desire to know Him more and more daily. However, that proved to kinda be a problem at one point when my faith was not at it's best spot, yet I was doing everything I possibly could to know Him on a deeper level and to know His children on a deeper level. I'll clarify on this part later.
While I was never directly told "Don't be angry with God" (in fact, I am fairly certain I remember one of my pastors telling me to always be honest with God) at times, in church it slightly seemed as though you could be completely honest with God, as long as your honesty was happiness and roses and unicorns. How often I would hear the testimony of some miraculous, happy story (which is awesome. Don't get me wrong. I love hearing them.) but I rarely heard someone get up and say that they were struggling, and they were doubting, and they weren't exactly sure about this whole "God thing" at this point in their life, therefore sending the subtle message that it is not to be spoken of within church. Sure, you could pull the argument of "Well they never asked to get up and talk about it." While that may be true, why didn't they get up? Did they fear what others would think because of the negative stigma behind one being honest with their feelings, when their feelings are less than amazing toward God? I am fully aware and ready to receive some negative feedback behind this post, because I'm being honest about my doubts. I'm being honest that some days I wake up and ask God why. More particularly, a struggle/temptation that I had fought for so long, and that I thought was completely conquered recently came back in my life. It's a very hard struggle, and I'm not comfortable sharing it over this.
I. Was. LIVID. I was scared. I was in pain and confused and downright ticked off. Why God?? We conquered this already!! Why can't I pick and choose my struggles? If You would just take this one temptation God, just please. Take it.
At which point, I felt a complete and total separation from God and His love. I was literally living within my own hell. I read and analyzed and even wrote an eight page report over the passage of Romans 8:38-39 "38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."
And then I felt so hollow, so exempt from the love of God. Like I said earlier, I was seeking so strongly after God, and then….nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was as if this scripture didn't apply to me. At which point, I was ready to rub my hands together, drop the mic, and walk off the stage completely, for good. I was so mad at God, but I didn't know what to do. I was so mad that I didn't even want to talk to Him about it. I then, (due to a requirement for a class. I was convinced this would be the last Theology-based book I would ever pick up.) read the book "Disappointment with God: Three questions no one asks" by Philip Yancey. Talk about a Divine Intervention. Yancey addresses that we are human, and that we can't understand God completely, therefore the questions are totally necessary and completely justified. He poses three questions that Christians wonder, but seldom are comfortable enough to ask aloud: Is God unfair? Is He silent? Is He hidden? Why, if God is so hungry for relationship with us, does He seem so distant? Why, if God cares for us, do bad things happen? Where is God when bad things happen? What can we expect from God, after all?
Within 30 minutes of reading, I was sobbing. Every single piece of anger and hurt that I felt towards God, this book described. It's about 350 pages, and I refused to put it down. Then, the sermons began flooding back into my brain. "Be honest with God. Always." "God can take your anger." "You don't have to do this on your own." "Use those around you that you can trust, especially during the difficult times." Upon finishing the book, I texted one of mentors, telling her that this book might have very well salvaged my relationship with God. She responded saying "Be angry with God. Ask Him all your questions. Feel and acknowledge your disappointment. He can handle it, but you can't. Keeping all of that bottled up inside of you is like swallowing a bomb and expecting it not to blow up if you pretend it isn't there."
Man. I had gone from nearly walking away due to sheer anger and disappointment to a complete reformation within my walk with God. I was so afraid to approach my loving, comforting Creator that I felt so exempt from, however I am now brave to talk to Him about it, and discuss the fact that I am angry. I am telling Him that I don't understand and that I don't want this to be a part of my life, and can I tell you something? That's completely alright. In fact, it's healthy. So often, we are trained to only speak of happy things when it comes to God because of various songs of praise, however we turn to the very Word of God and turn to stories such as Job, which the overall essence of the story is about faith, however in the midst of all the trials, Job is completely honest about the fact that he is completely ticked off at God, and feels completely separated.
Let's not be afraid to talk about disbelief. Mark 9:24b says "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
God can take your anger. If you are at a point in your walk where you're unsure about God, have questions, or you just want to grow, I would strongly suggest reading this book. I did, and it completely changed everything.
Reformation happens within a period of complete and total discomfort and honesty.
thank you so much for sharing this Ashton. I am glad you are on a journey that is leading you to the very heart of God. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
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