A toast to the ex.
I guess writing a blog devoted to a former relationship is a little odd. Oh well.
Recently, God has been going through a period where He will reveal things to me out of nowhere, and it's kind of an "aha!" moment that makes things make sense. One of the greatest things that has happened to me this summer has been the immense healing of my heart from a former relationship.
I suppose starting at the beginning would be most appropriate, wouldn't it?
For the sake of protecting his reputation, I am changing his name on here. We'll call him Caleb.
Caleb and I FIRST met my seventh grade year. He was this handsome cowboy that was older than I, and my oh my did he grab my attention. I finally worked up the nerve to talk to him summer after seventh grade at our local historical celebration (good ol' days). My cousin was with me, and with her pep talk, I walked up to him and talked to him. Trying to play it cool yet look super attractive, because he was this handsome cowboy/high school football player. We IMMEDIATELY hit it off. We talked nonstop all through my eighth grade year, and finally made things official summer after eighth grade. I was in LOVE. Everything was absolutely perfect with him. He was perfect. We were so happy together... Or so I thought. About 6 months after we began dating, he told me he would constantly drive while drunk, because he would be the least drunk out of all his friends. He told me that some nights he would drink so much that he would do things with girls, because he didn't know what he was doing. He said it wasn't cheating, because he didn't know what was happening. He asked me to go to the parties with him to keep an eye on him, so I did. I should have left right then. Alas, I was blinded. About a year into our relationship, things went south. Bad. I had certain limits of what I would do physically, he would turn that around on me and say that if I didn't do certain things with him then I obviously didn't love him, etc. He became extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. He then said that since he loved me so much, he didn't want to cheat on me, so he needed to break up with me to go mess around with other girls, because he needed that type of physical stuff. This went on for the next three years until finally during my senior year of high school, I said "ENOUGH!" and gave him an ultimatum. You either commit fully to me and accept the fact that if we continue to be together you will be married to the ministry as well, or things end. He laughed in my face and said "you won't actually leave me. You need me. Forget ministry." Well, I left. He became very angry, and there was nothing but silence between us for a year. A few months into freshman year of college, he contacted me again and let me know how sorry he was, how much he had turned his life around, how much of a mistake he had made, etc. He told me he was interested in Jesus and asked me if he could go to church with me when I was home. That was HUGE. Caleb would NEVER even consider church the whole time we were together, so immediately my heart was drawn right back in. We talk for the next couple of months, and so Christmas break comes and I have to decide, what's going to happen? I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is not in God's will for my life. So, I end it. And when I say I end it, I mean I END it. I block the phone number. I delete all the pictures. I burn all his letters to me. I block him on social media. Everything is done. The only thing I couldn't delete was the hurt in my heart.
So, there's the background. It was a nearly 5 year off and on abusive relationship.
Fast forward to the first month of this summer. My heart is still healing from the trauma of my brothers motorcycle accident. My emotions were on an absolute roller coaster. I'm walking through walmart, carrying groceries. I'm nearly to the register when I hear his voice. "Just keep walking", I tell myself. I knew I was in no emotional position to have interaction with him. Then, it happens, He appears around the corner. Before he could see me, I drop everything in my arms and run out of the store, sobbing. Well shoot. Guess I wasn't quite "over it." So, I began praying. I asked God to show me why Caleb was ever brought into my life. I asked God to hold every piece of my shattered heart. I asked for healing. More than anything, I asked the Holy Spirit to hit me like a train. As I ventured deeper into my internship at my local youth group, I desired deeper and deeper to be with a man that loved God with everything. I desired to be with a man that would walk alongside me in ministry. More than anything, I desired God's will. I began to feel this healing of my heart. Then, it happened. Approximately a month after I had run out of walmart sobbing, Caleb pulls up next to me at a stoplight and tries to get me to roll my window down to talk to him. I act like I don't see him, and drive on. As soon as I arrive at my location, I begin crying. This time though, it was tears of joy! I felt absolutely no emotional draw towards Caleb anymore! As the summer continues on, a guy comes into my life that I'm still praying for, but I think could very well potentially be a future relationship. Everything is going great with him, then one day an unknown number calls my phone. I'm used to unknown numbers, because some of the teens in my youth group will get my number from other teens and call me. So, I answer, "Before you hang up, it's me. Caleb. I made a mistake and love you and want you back." Click. I hang up, and begin laughing. I had absolutely no desire to have anything to do with him. Guys, it was incredible and beautiful.
This relationship has shaped me so, so much. It has made me (after much time) begin to realize that I have to love myself before I can ever love again. It has made me become really picky about who I will actually commit to. It has made me take a whole new outlook on what type of marriage I want, about what type of person I want to be the father of my future children, and about what type of person I want to walk hand-in-hand with into ministry. It has made this potential future relationship all the more beautiful.
So, here's a toast to the former relationship, thank you. I'm grateful you happened, and I'm all the more grateful it is done. I know you will never see this since you're blocked on all forms of social media. That's fine.
Recently, God has been going through a period where He will reveal things to me out of nowhere, and it's kind of an "aha!" moment that makes things make sense. One of the greatest things that has happened to me this summer has been the immense healing of my heart from a former relationship.
I suppose starting at the beginning would be most appropriate, wouldn't it?
For the sake of protecting his reputation, I am changing his name on here. We'll call him Caleb.
Caleb and I FIRST met my seventh grade year. He was this handsome cowboy that was older than I, and my oh my did he grab my attention. I finally worked up the nerve to talk to him summer after seventh grade at our local historical celebration (good ol' days). My cousin was with me, and with her pep talk, I walked up to him and talked to him. Trying to play it cool yet look super attractive, because he was this handsome cowboy/high school football player. We IMMEDIATELY hit it off. We talked nonstop all through my eighth grade year, and finally made things official summer after eighth grade. I was in LOVE. Everything was absolutely perfect with him. He was perfect. We were so happy together... Or so I thought. About 6 months after we began dating, he told me he would constantly drive while drunk, because he would be the least drunk out of all his friends. He told me that some nights he would drink so much that he would do things with girls, because he didn't know what he was doing. He said it wasn't cheating, because he didn't know what was happening. He asked me to go to the parties with him to keep an eye on him, so I did. I should have left right then. Alas, I was blinded. About a year into our relationship, things went south. Bad. I had certain limits of what I would do physically, he would turn that around on me and say that if I didn't do certain things with him then I obviously didn't love him, etc. He became extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. He then said that since he loved me so much, he didn't want to cheat on me, so he needed to break up with me to go mess around with other girls, because he needed that type of physical stuff. This went on for the next three years until finally during my senior year of high school, I said "ENOUGH!" and gave him an ultimatum. You either commit fully to me and accept the fact that if we continue to be together you will be married to the ministry as well, or things end. He laughed in my face and said "you won't actually leave me. You need me. Forget ministry." Well, I left. He became very angry, and there was nothing but silence between us for a year. A few months into freshman year of college, he contacted me again and let me know how sorry he was, how much he had turned his life around, how much of a mistake he had made, etc. He told me he was interested in Jesus and asked me if he could go to church with me when I was home. That was HUGE. Caleb would NEVER even consider church the whole time we were together, so immediately my heart was drawn right back in. We talk for the next couple of months, and so Christmas break comes and I have to decide, what's going to happen? I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is not in God's will for my life. So, I end it. And when I say I end it, I mean I END it. I block the phone number. I delete all the pictures. I burn all his letters to me. I block him on social media. Everything is done. The only thing I couldn't delete was the hurt in my heart.
So, there's the background. It was a nearly 5 year off and on abusive relationship.
Fast forward to the first month of this summer. My heart is still healing from the trauma of my brothers motorcycle accident. My emotions were on an absolute roller coaster. I'm walking through walmart, carrying groceries. I'm nearly to the register when I hear his voice. "Just keep walking", I tell myself. I knew I was in no emotional position to have interaction with him. Then, it happens, He appears around the corner. Before he could see me, I drop everything in my arms and run out of the store, sobbing. Well shoot. Guess I wasn't quite "over it." So, I began praying. I asked God to show me why Caleb was ever brought into my life. I asked God to hold every piece of my shattered heart. I asked for healing. More than anything, I asked the Holy Spirit to hit me like a train. As I ventured deeper into my internship at my local youth group, I desired deeper and deeper to be with a man that loved God with everything. I desired to be with a man that would walk alongside me in ministry. More than anything, I desired God's will. I began to feel this healing of my heart. Then, it happened. Approximately a month after I had run out of walmart sobbing, Caleb pulls up next to me at a stoplight and tries to get me to roll my window down to talk to him. I act like I don't see him, and drive on. As soon as I arrive at my location, I begin crying. This time though, it was tears of joy! I felt absolutely no emotional draw towards Caleb anymore! As the summer continues on, a guy comes into my life that I'm still praying for, but I think could very well potentially be a future relationship. Everything is going great with him, then one day an unknown number calls my phone. I'm used to unknown numbers, because some of the teens in my youth group will get my number from other teens and call me. So, I answer, "Before you hang up, it's me. Caleb. I made a mistake and love you and want you back." Click. I hang up, and begin laughing. I had absolutely no desire to have anything to do with him. Guys, it was incredible and beautiful.
This relationship has shaped me so, so much. It has made me (after much time) begin to realize that I have to love myself before I can ever love again. It has made me become really picky about who I will actually commit to. It has made me take a whole new outlook on what type of marriage I want, about what type of person I want to be the father of my future children, and about what type of person I want to walk hand-in-hand with into ministry. It has made this potential future relationship all the more beautiful.
So, here's a toast to the former relationship, thank you. I'm grateful you happened, and I'm all the more grateful it is done. I know you will never see this since you're blocked on all forms of social media. That's fine.
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