Learning life within a few months.
I walked in to summer, questioning as to whether or not I would return to MNU as a ministry major or change my major to psychology. I no longer felt any certainty that I was called to full time vocational ministry, and I feared so greatly the calling God had placed on my life to work with Anti-Human trafficking. Mainly though, I felt such a deep disconnect from our Creator and was no longer certain if I found my identity in Him or the calling on my life.
I remember sitting in a posture of prayer back in the middle of May as the shock from my brothers accident was beginning to wear off, thinking "I'm so glad I could be here for that. But beyond that, my summer will just be work and I won't grow anywhere near as much as I was hoping this summer. God, would you just..do something? Use me? Teach me something? Just please, don't make these next 3 months wasted." I quickly learned that our God is a God of discomfort that calls us out deeper than our feet can reach, and nothing is wasted.
Many of you that are reading know a little of what my generic summer outline consisted of; social work for the first little bit, internship with youth ministry, taking care of great gram, and factory work. I worked anywhere from (on average) 75-125 hours each week. I was constantly exhausted and confused as to why the financial aspect for school wouldn't just..work out. I was always on the go. My first calling this summer was "Be still." Uhh...as I just said, I was working constantly, so I made myself be fully intentional about being still for a certain amount of time each week, and each time, God broke me. I mean completely and utterly broke me. I didn't know exactly why for the first few times.
Fast forward to the mission trip to Nashville. You can read the blog post if you want to read specifically about it. But, one night on the mission trip, we all came together as we sang out "You're a good good Father. It's who You are. It's who You are. It's who You are. And I'm loved by you. It's who I am. Who I am. Who I am." As we cried out, God broke me yet again and I realized my identity was NOT found in Him. I was no longer in Awe of who He was. I was no longer grateful that He is my Father, my Abba.
Every thing clicked. Every question I had voiced or wondered. Every time I became upset because I did not want to be back home. Every. Single. Thing. What was the point? God. Living life in a manner worthy of the gospel.
Extensive lessons were learned while in Fort Scott. I received a deep affirmation about a full time calling into ministry. Whether or not it's youth is to be discerned, but this affirmation was glorious. Light absolutely shattered every single dark area of my life. I became brave enough to say "I struggle with depression and anxiety. Would you walk with me?" I began to fully accept and embrace fellowship as a few amazing girls joined with me in this journey of brokenness and finding our identity in the fact that we are loved by our Daddy. Beginning this summer, I constantly have this vision of me running up to God screaming "DAAAD!" as he picks me up and swings me around in a big green field surrounded by waterfalls and He's crying as He says "I'm so glad you're Mine."
That, in my opinion, is the point. Screaming "DAAAD!" in our life and accepting the truth that we are loved by Him.
I remember sitting in a posture of prayer back in the middle of May as the shock from my brothers accident was beginning to wear off, thinking "I'm so glad I could be here for that. But beyond that, my summer will just be work and I won't grow anywhere near as much as I was hoping this summer. God, would you just..do something? Use me? Teach me something? Just please, don't make these next 3 months wasted." I quickly learned that our God is a God of discomfort that calls us out deeper than our feet can reach, and nothing is wasted.
Many of you that are reading know a little of what my generic summer outline consisted of; social work for the first little bit, internship with youth ministry, taking care of great gram, and factory work. I worked anywhere from (on average) 75-125 hours each week. I was constantly exhausted and confused as to why the financial aspect for school wouldn't just..work out. I was always on the go. My first calling this summer was "Be still." Uhh...as I just said, I was working constantly, so I made myself be fully intentional about being still for a certain amount of time each week, and each time, God broke me. I mean completely and utterly broke me. I didn't know exactly why for the first few times.
Fast forward to the mission trip to Nashville. You can read the blog post if you want to read specifically about it. But, one night on the mission trip, we all came together as we sang out "You're a good good Father. It's who You are. It's who You are. It's who You are. And I'm loved by you. It's who I am. Who I am. Who I am." As we cried out, God broke me yet again and I realized my identity was NOT found in Him. I was no longer in Awe of who He was. I was no longer grateful that He is my Father, my Abba.
Every thing clicked. Every question I had voiced or wondered. Every time I became upset because I did not want to be back home. Every. Single. Thing. What was the point? God. Living life in a manner worthy of the gospel.
Extensive lessons were learned while in Fort Scott. I received a deep affirmation about a full time calling into ministry. Whether or not it's youth is to be discerned, but this affirmation was glorious. Light absolutely shattered every single dark area of my life. I became brave enough to say "I struggle with depression and anxiety. Would you walk with me?" I began to fully accept and embrace fellowship as a few amazing girls joined with me in this journey of brokenness and finding our identity in the fact that we are loved by our Daddy. Beginning this summer, I constantly have this vision of me running up to God screaming "DAAAD!" as he picks me up and swings me around in a big green field surrounded by waterfalls and He's crying as He says "I'm so glad you're Mine."
That, in my opinion, is the point. Screaming "DAAAD!" in our life and accepting the truth that we are loved by Him.
Comments
Post a Comment