Life; it happens.
Life can, and does, happen in a flash.
You can wake up one morning in a beautiful state, working the dream job that you've been praying for since you received a calling into youth ministry missions when you were 16, and by the end of the night, you're booking your flight home due to health concerns. The weeks to come, you suffer from extensive physical and emotional pain, constantly questioning why God would make such an amazing thing happen only to have it taken away so quickly. You wonder why you went through such trouble to get to such a trip, to have something so simple make it be done. In the days and weeks to come, you question everything.
Well, mostly everything.
The one "thing" that you literally CANNOT question because it keeps getting shoved in your face every waking moment is God's love for you.
I'm going to quit talking in third person now.
If you're close with me at all, you know how much I was looking forward to this trip. You know that geographically, I couldn't have been happier than I was in the Adirondack mountains (The oh so beautiful Adirondacks..) You know that relationally, it is my DREAM JOB to go into a town and build relationships with the locals, and then connect the locals with teenagers. You know that emotionally, in spite of any team troubles faced, I could not have been more at ease than I was while there. You all know these things.
If you're close with me at all, then you know how terrible it was for me to have to come back. If you asked me what happened that made me return home soon, you probably received a pretty condensed version. Reason being, this was the most painful experience I've ever encountered. I did everything I could to be able to stay, but I couldn't. I just couldn't.
One of my main questions upon returning was "God, have I disappointed You?"
And before I allowed God to answer, I allowed the voices that speak lies, speak first.
"You've disappointed your heavenly Father."
"How will you be able to face your church family again, the people that have been praying for you for months?"
"What do you think you're going to do for a job? You're so sad, no one will hire you."
"Do you really think you're cut out for ministry? You couldn't even fulfill a short term missions contract."
And the lies went on. And on. And on.
And the days went on, and beyond June 1st (the day I returned), my health decreased considerably.
In all honesty, (and I mean FULL honesty), as many times as I tried to turn my face away from God and His love, He was still there.
He was there in the first hours and first days of return as Pastor Sarah invited me to stay at her place during the most confusing and painful part. He was there as she FULLY embraced me, and was a constant help as I was trying to wrap my brain around everything that had just happened.
He was there as a family offered to take me in and give me my own space for the summer. He was there as this family CONSTANTLY prayed both with me and for me.
He was there as I would wake up in the middle of the night and in the morning having an attack, and I would hug my bible and pray, and I'd be able to breathe through them. He would be the LITERAL breath in my lungs.
He was there as I received my official diagnosis, and didn't know what to do or where to turn.
He was there in the acts of kindness that seemed like next to nothing to the people that did them (such as random text messages/phone calls, taking me out for meals, etc.), yet, these acts of kindness meant the world to me.
This list goes on. And on. And on.
Just like His love.
Do I know what exactly it means that His love is eternal and unconditional?
No. I'm human.
However, this love, as scary as it is, is the love I want to accept. His voice is the voice I want to listen to as he says "Ashton, I'm not disappointed in you. I just love you."
Friends, if your life is pretty steady and unchanging for the most part, or if life just happened in a flash like it did to me, know that God loves you. I know we hear that all the time, but I don't think we really think about it.
God loves you, and desires to use you.
He desires to use the person that is living in the midst of emotional trauma.
He desires to use the person whose life is steady and unchanging.
Did I ever expect to return home early from missions? No. Not in a million years. Did it hurt worse than I could have ever imagined? Oh, absolutely.
Is God forming this trauma-stricken life into something beautiful? More than I could possibly imagine or ask for.
You can wake up one morning in a beautiful state, working the dream job that you've been praying for since you received a calling into youth ministry missions when you were 16, and by the end of the night, you're booking your flight home due to health concerns. The weeks to come, you suffer from extensive physical and emotional pain, constantly questioning why God would make such an amazing thing happen only to have it taken away so quickly. You wonder why you went through such trouble to get to such a trip, to have something so simple make it be done. In the days and weeks to come, you question everything.
Well, mostly everything.
The one "thing" that you literally CANNOT question because it keeps getting shoved in your face every waking moment is God's love for you.
I'm going to quit talking in third person now.
If you're close with me at all, you know how much I was looking forward to this trip. You know that geographically, I couldn't have been happier than I was in the Adirondack mountains (The oh so beautiful Adirondacks..) You know that relationally, it is my DREAM JOB to go into a town and build relationships with the locals, and then connect the locals with teenagers. You know that emotionally, in spite of any team troubles faced, I could not have been more at ease than I was while there. You all know these things.
If you're close with me at all, then you know how terrible it was for me to have to come back. If you asked me what happened that made me return home soon, you probably received a pretty condensed version. Reason being, this was the most painful experience I've ever encountered. I did everything I could to be able to stay, but I couldn't. I just couldn't.
One of my main questions upon returning was "God, have I disappointed You?"
And before I allowed God to answer, I allowed the voices that speak lies, speak first.
"You've disappointed your heavenly Father."
"How will you be able to face your church family again, the people that have been praying for you for months?"
"What do you think you're going to do for a job? You're so sad, no one will hire you."
"Do you really think you're cut out for ministry? You couldn't even fulfill a short term missions contract."
And the lies went on. And on. And on.
And the days went on, and beyond June 1st (the day I returned), my health decreased considerably.
In all honesty, (and I mean FULL honesty), as many times as I tried to turn my face away from God and His love, He was still there.
He was there in the first hours and first days of return as Pastor Sarah invited me to stay at her place during the most confusing and painful part. He was there as she FULLY embraced me, and was a constant help as I was trying to wrap my brain around everything that had just happened.
He was there as a family offered to take me in and give me my own space for the summer. He was there as this family CONSTANTLY prayed both with me and for me.
He was there as I would wake up in the middle of the night and in the morning having an attack, and I would hug my bible and pray, and I'd be able to breathe through them. He would be the LITERAL breath in my lungs.
He was there as I received my official diagnosis, and didn't know what to do or where to turn.
He was there in the acts of kindness that seemed like next to nothing to the people that did them (such as random text messages/phone calls, taking me out for meals, etc.), yet, these acts of kindness meant the world to me.
This list goes on. And on. And on.
Just like His love.
Do I know what exactly it means that His love is eternal and unconditional?
No. I'm human.
However, this love, as scary as it is, is the love I want to accept. His voice is the voice I want to listen to as he says "Ashton, I'm not disappointed in you. I just love you."
Friends, if your life is pretty steady and unchanging for the most part, or if life just happened in a flash like it did to me, know that God loves you. I know we hear that all the time, but I don't think we really think about it.
God loves you, and desires to use you.
He desires to use the person that is living in the midst of emotional trauma.
He desires to use the person whose life is steady and unchanging.
Did I ever expect to return home early from missions? No. Not in a million years. Did it hurt worse than I could have ever imagined? Oh, absolutely.
Is God forming this trauma-stricken life into something beautiful? More than I could possibly imagine or ask for.
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| Schroon River, Adirondack Mountains, Upstate New York. |
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