Process and feel? I'd rather not.

Beginning to feel something? Take a swig, and another, and another…

Death. The single aspect of life that actually makes me want to avoid ministry altogether. Whenever one of your friends calls you and simply says "Ashton, my dad died." before you can even finish the words "hey, what's up?" and then loses it, what do you do? I know I'm still young and early on in my theological training and religious education, but I'm convinced there's nowhere to flip to in the bible at that point in time. I'm convinced no words, no matter how genuine, can truly speak to that person. And, sometimes during these terrible situations, I'm nearly convinced that our loving, caring God is not actually all that loving and caring. I mean, if He were, wouldn't He have prevented this physical death and intense pain among us that are still here?

Emotions setting in. Take a swig. Breathe.

Alright, alright. Maybe you're right. Maybe God IS always there. But if He were..

Emotions setting in. Take a swig. Breathe.

Ya know, I've lost so much in these last two weeks…WHAT THE HECK??!

Emotions setting in. Take a swig. Breathe.


That was how things were in the former Ashton's life, emotions, intellect, and reasoning.

God, where are You during this rough time? God, I don't want to feel this pain. God, how can I sing the songs about how great You are when I'm not positive I believe them? God, are You there?

What I've learned in these two weeks is that yes, God is there. He is there in the hearts and lives of those that are with you while you're grieving. He is with you in the sense that grief is a blessing. It is a somber remembrance of a beautiful life that has been granted the Ultimate Healing. 

God is sitting there, grieving with You. And me. And the random person sitting next to you in the funeral. And the random person that puts their arm around you at the burial. (Even though it was a little creepy.)

Can we just stop for a moment, and soak ourselves with this information? Absorb the fact that GOD IS SITTING THERE, MOURNING WITH YOU. God's heart is broken right there, with yours.

God can take our sorrow, our pain, our anger, and mostly, our God, the Creator of heaven and earth and us, can take our shattered heart and hold it together, every single piece of it.

About a week ago, in a meeting with the Campus Chaplain, he said to me "Laugh all your laughs and cry all your tears." I was slightly confused at the time as to what he meant, because I had never allowed myself to "feel all the feels." When it came to feeling the feels, well, you can probably guess what I once did (took a swig. or two..)

While I would really rather not feel the pain of this life, oh how beautiful it truly is. As I'm allowing myself to feel all the feels of both current events and prior events, I realize that grief, in and of itself, is a blessing. It's a blessing whenever one of my friends leaves me a random note on my door, or texts me a bible verse, or texts me just to let me know they're thinking of me. It's a blessing whenever one of my friends allows me to stand there and cry in her shoulder as she embraces me for an extended period of time, and she grieves with me. It's a blessing that we have this incredible ability and gift to love others on such a deep level, that it hurts so bad when they're no longer here.

Within my selfish being, I wish my loved ones hadn't been taken from this earth so soon. Why were they taken so early? I don't know. Will I ever know? I don't know. However, Ultimate Healing is so beautiful. 

Trust in the fact that our amazing, infinite, beautiful God is in charge. Rejoice in the truth that you, yourself, do not have to hold the whole world on your shoulders.

Laugh all your laughs, and cry all your tears. (Credit to Mr. Brady Braatz for this insightful quote.)

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