This, my dear friends, is life.

WARNING: Content may contain triggers (references to abuse, neglect, and addictions.) You're two years old. Life is simple out on the farm. Life is good. You're three years old. You have distinct memories of wanting to be something. You're four years old, looking in the mirror. You know you are going to do something in life. But then, something shifts. You find yourself striving after what that four year old once saw in herself. You grow up, trying to prove something. You grow up, trying to gain what you didn't know, but desired. The innate longing grew deeper. The days grew longer. You do more, searching for more, seeking what you had been taught to be truth. This truth that would yield temporary satisfaction, and extensive pain. And then you're ignored whenever you have nothing left to offer. Thrown to the curb like an empty McDonald's bag. So you grow up, viewing yourself as being just about as precious as an empty McDonald's bag. Feelin...

I will not try to scare you into heaven, rather I want to propose some concepts as I tell you about the current state of my spiritual walk. Day after day, I would ask God to speak to me. I would ask for guidance, healing, wisdom, all the typical things for a young and hurting college student that is interning at a church. Day after day, I would walk away discouraged, as these prayer requests weren't being fulfilled. I was convinced that I just didn't have the gift of intercession and that somehow, my prayers weren't as valid as other peoples prayers. I listened to the lies that my voice wasn't one that God wanted to hear. I listened to the lies that I wouldn't be able to one day proclaim "I am healed!" I decided at the New year that I would try something new. I believe completely and totally that we are found by freedom as we surrender, however, the missing piece, was that our obedience should follow suit. I committed to waking up at 445 monday-friday ...

I found myself to be rather exhausted this morning...I didn't know how exhausted I was until I had slept through my alarm for first service at church. Oops. So I decide that second service it shall be. I walked in to church a few minutes late and was promptly greeted with a huge and long hug from a sixth grade girl. So I sat next to her, who is one of the most energetic people I have ever met. During our coffee break, she informs me that she's going to get coffee, because "I'm tired and I want to be bouncy." me-"Are you sure that's a good idea?" "Yeah! Get some with me so you can be bouncy as well." "I can't be bouncy during service..sorry." "Why?" "Because I have to be civilized for service..we can be bouncy together tonight at the Christmas party though!" "Oh. I'm not civilized." Oh boy. Sure enough, approximately three minutes into the sermon, she started to grow very fidgety and...

We sat around the table, immersed in conversation as we had so many times before. We planned out the series for next semester and challenged each other to dare to speak about the topics that intimidate us. We talked about our thoughts regarding the internship this semester; our fears, trials, and triumphs. My mind flashed back to the couple of day span whenever I had an offer to be a middle school youth leader back home and then a couple days later, finding out that the internship I had committed to up here, Living Hope Church, would no longer have a youth pastor. I was so torn that I took some time to be alone and went hiking in the Ozarks. During that time, I received a strong "no" as I sat upon a rock after a 15 mile hike. Even though I had literally spent that whole time asking for a strong answer, once I received it, I questioned God so greatly. Why, God? I have an offer with a church that I'm familiar with, a youth pastor I'm close with, the teens that I know,...

I found myself to be staring at the sunset in the same place I'd sat and watched so many times before. I found myself to be in complete awe at the masterpiece unfolding in front of me in the sky as tears streamed down my face. So many times before, I had been on this same soccer field. My time there began with playing the beautiful game then morphed into going up to this quiet place to watch sunsets while I would try and process things in my life. I made the decision to attend MNU at this place. I made the decision to pursue ministry at this place, to quit drinking, to completely and fully love God, to love myself, to end an abusive relationship, etc. You name it, most of my difficult decisions have been made in this same place. The tears advanced from streaming to a waterfall as I thought about the relationships I've lost not only in the past year, but just in these past few months. As I thought about the things I've given up to pursue this life I'm living. As I though...

Here recently, I've found myself struggling with my calling into full time vocational ministry. Same old song, right? Kind of. It's been a different type of struggle.. Not the typical struggle of "Do I want to do it?", rather the struggle of as I grow to know the heart of God more and more as greater pieces of His character are being revealed to me through fellowship and vulnerability, I'm beginning to realize His desire for my life, for all of our lives; His Kingdom Come. Through that, my perspective regarding my calling has completely shifted. OF COURSE I want to be a relentless follower when it comes to that. I want to be a relentless follower in whatever ways He would have for me. I want to live for the sake of the Kingdom. Through that, it has been revealed to me that my discernment of my calling was a little skewed. Many of you know that I had discerned my calling as working in an inner city with youth that are coming out of sex trafficking. That'...

Monica Hershey- December 1st, 2008. Parker McKenney- June 23rd, 2009. Jacob Welch- March 21st, 2010. P.J. Self- October 25th, 2011. Britney Ackerman- December 25th, 2013. Matthew Wiebelhaus- July 4th, 2014. Quincy Foster- January 1st, 2015. Charles Hunter Reeves II- February 25th, 2015. Frank Leslie Hazlip- March 5th, 2015. These names. These are the names of people I was either best friends with or acquaintances with that died what I perceive to be far too soon. The dates after, well, you can assume. I'm still trying to process death. I'm still trying to figure out what it means. Does death only mean the loss of a person here? Not in my eyes. Within death, everything we know changes, yet life still goes on. The sun still rises and sets in all its power; yet we feel powerless as we try and process how to continue. Among all these deaths, my processing had a common theme every time: I didn't. I just didn't process. If you look at the years, you will see that...